-isms from that "obvious, yet anonymous" teacher we know and love

"Y'all live in a society that forces you to be adults; you are supposed to be kids, you're still kids, you're supposed to go play. Heck when I was your age I was lighting fields on fire and throwing snowballs at police officers."


"Open the blinds you vampires."
Relatedly: "Shut up, Edward."




"Teacher:Can you demonstrate this proper 'squatting procedure'?
Student: You're going to show that you can do it?
Teacher: No. You do it and I'll tell you if I could or not."


"Did you listen to that speech yet? It was killer."




"I thought y'all might want to see this cake I might share with you."


Teacher: Did you just say "mohito"?
Student 1: No. Why would I say mohito?
Teacher: I don't know. It could be the new slang for, like, "a moment ago". Like: "When did this happen?" "Mohito"
LATER
Student 2: No, [other, identical teacher] already knows about mohito. They're the same person.
Teacher: *picks up phone* "[other, identical teacher]. Mohito." *puts down phone*

AS told by a student:

he's like:

"did you know vic chesnutt committed suicide"

i was like "yeah, i did..." [tries to get back to work]

teacher: "dont laugh"

"im not laughing"

teacher: "this is not funny"

"i know, im not laughing"

and i wasn't

he starts to walk away

as he goes into the other room "heartless...heartless [wench]"

Student: How are you today?
Teacher: Well. [typical pause] My heart's still beating.


"You don't understand. You always have two pieces of gum at a time. Always."


"This is wack."


Flight of the Conchords.


Referring to A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man: "'If you think about things, you can understand them.' Indeed, Stephen."


Teacher: *sighs, shakes head* Youth.
[typical pause]
It's wasted on the young.
Student: I KNEW that was coming.


"Otis bewteen Chesnutt and Waters is like a Fluffernutter sandwich on a spelt and millet multigrain skillet bread. I guess it makes sense....Hell, I don't even get Chesnutt, but I enjoy feeling like my spleen is being torn out of my abdomen in a highly literate and poetic way." -in an email

STUDENT 1: Well, I'm supposed to go to a bar mitzvah but I'm totally ditching that.

TEACHER: Is that a mitzvah in a bar?

STUDENT 2: If she had said bat mitzvah you wouldn't have been able to make that joke.

TEACHER: Yeah, then it'd have been a mitzvah in the Bat Cave.

"Gotta git down."

Has he met his match?

B: "I think my daughter could learn things from you."
K: "You have a daughter?"
B: "She's 11."
K: "Interesting."
B: "Did you just say interesting?"
K: "Yes."
B: "I like you."

B: "You should go on the trampoline with that s'more. It really enhances the whole experience."
K: "If I did that then I'd see it after I ate it."
B: "It's even better the second time around."

J: Dad, I really like Pibb.

B: That's MR. Pibb to you, son.